Lately, I’ve been thinking of the time I was suicidal.. There really isn’t anything good about that time. I don’t recall a happy moment or a time I smiled. I was just… Dead, I guess. I was literally numb to everything, I had no one to talk to. Im an only child with two parents that are gone. The only thing I have left are my thoughts.. which aren’t good.
I keep of thinking on that day.. maybe I should have continued to cut myself.. maybe I should have killed myself when I had the chance, I should have just grown some balls and cut my wrist in peace. I really don’t feel like there’s anything in this life for me. it’s like one bad thing happening after the other to me.. I’m only 20 and I’ve seen life more than any 32 year old has.. and I hate that. Why does it have to be struggle after struggle for me? Pain after pain, disappointment after effort.. it’s like God is giving me a sign to end my suffering.. to just go and be with my mother… Isn’t death suppose to be peaceful? isn’t heaven place to be one with yourself? I’m not sure but I’m curious enough to find out.
I realized i cant control anything in my life the day my mother died… Or better yet, the time I knew i couldnt find out about my father because he died before i could know his name… Thats when i knew being an only child to a single mother is horrible, mostly is she dies before you. Even though this was 8 years ago, ill necer be over it. Never. And as i go on through life, everytime i succeed in something i feel like my mother is so proud of me. Like her only offspring is doing something on her own.. like a big girl is suppose to do.
Recently, though i would be able to do something but, i didnt qualify to do so. It hurt me to a point of no sign of return.. I mean, im good at this craft and im being told Im bot good enough for it kills me.. I feel like i let myself down, my mother, and my family.. they all look at me as a child that doesnt know what life is even though ive experienced more than theyll every know.. im tried of feeling like a failure with no suport system. Im tried of feeling like im not good enough.. im tired of putting in so much effort in something and getting zero in return.
Lately, I’ve been thinking of the time I was suicidal.. There really isn’t anything good about that time. I don’t recall a happy moment or a time I smiled. I was just… Dead, I guess. I was literally numb to everything, I had no one to talk to. Im an only child with two parents that are gone. The only thing I have left are my thoughts.. which aren’t good.
I keep of thinking on that day.. maybe I should have continued to cut myself.. maybe I should have killed myself when I had the chance, I should have just grown some balls and cut my wrist in peace. I really don’t feel like there’s anything in this life for me. it’s like one bad thing happening after the other to me.. I’m only 20 and I’ve seen life more than any 32 year old has.. and I hate that. Why does it have to be struggle after struggle for me? Pain after pain, disappointment after effort.. it’s like God is giving me a sign to end my suffering.. to just go and be with my mother… Isn’t death suppose to be peaceful? isn’t heaven place to be one with yourself? I’m not sure but I’m curious enough to find out.
